As you can tell by scrolling through my site this is my first post in a very VERY long time. I didn’t even write up my Swim Serpentine recap because I just had no omph to share my experience when things in that race didn’t go to plan.
For the past six weeks I have meant to be following a running plan (0-5 mile) to get myself in a position to start Marathon training once more come November. Aka – next week! Have I done it? No. Why? I just couldn’t be bothered.
My Mr pointed out to me today as I sat there and complained I couldn’t go running due to an ovarian cyst currently causing all sorts of Havoic with my insides, that I only ever seem to want to run when I can’t just to prove people wrong.
At first I got offended. But then I realised he was right.
I only want to run when I see others running or when people tell me I can’t or I’m not good enough at it. I’m not really interested in the training part or the fun part – I’m interested in the challenge itself. That’s why I set myself these challenges in the first place. I mean how am I ever going to BQ (marathon in 3hr 30m) realistically without collapsing dead! It’s not in my genes.
Every time I go out for a run it’s hard. It fucks with my head because I feel like I’m failing, yet I love feeling free while I’m out on the road. It leaves me high and dry for serval hours afterwards despite the distance I’ve run, so I avoid it because I feel I can’t share my struggles, just my highs.
So what am I going to do about it?
Prove myself wrong that’s what.
I’m not going to quit no matter how much I want to hide in a hole.
I’m going to continue being a member of my running club regardless of my fear of embarrassment because I’ll always be the slow one who brings the club rankings down that collapses at the finish line.
I will be an Ironman & world marathon major medal holder no matter what anyone tells me because you only live once. So why hold back?
I hate running because my body isn’t designed for it. The mechanics aren’t there. I love running because it’s the biggest challenge I have. I love running because it makes me feel invincible when crossing that line & no other hobby has come close to feeing the same way.
I’m not throwing anything away while I still have a fighting chance.